The Final Frontier

I wanted to dress up this Halloween so I decided to become Security Officer Malakas of the United Federation of Newspapers, Spokane Quadrant.

Here I am defending the office from vicious space aliens who seek to impose their editorial opinions in our pure copy.

The Real World-Athens

Meet the new cast of the Greek edition of The Real World.

From left, we have Demetrious, a bouzouki player in Athens who is married to a former Spice Girl;

Athanasia, who teaches Greek as a second language to men who want to live on topless beaches in Mykonos;

Nikos, who is owner of a company that ensures that ugly British tourist women will have at least one conjugal experience in Greece;

Anastasia, marketing director for the 2010 Turkish-Armenian Goodwill Games;

and Yiorgos, who is manager of the Greek boy band ``Extra Virgin Olive Oil.''

The Dark Side of Dawn

Am I the only one who noticed that the old pop hit ``Knock Three Times'' by Tony Orlando and Dawn is one of the most terrifying songs of all time? Some poor girl is being stalked by a psycho who lives in an upstairs apartment and is demanding that she demonstrate her affection with a broom stick. What if she doesn't comply? What are the consequences? Will he break in and kill her? Just read these chilling lines:



``Hey girl what ya doin' down there
Dancin' alone every night while I live right above you?
I can hear your music playin'
I can feel your body swayin'
One floor below me you don't even know me I love you.''



Yes, Dr. Lecter, I'm sure she loves you too.



``Oh, my darling, Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me
Twice on the pipe if the answer is no
Oh, my sweetness (knock, knock, knock) Means you'll meet me in the hallway
Mmm, twice on the pipe means you ain't gonna show.''



Is that pipe reference some kind of threat? Or a veiled sexual reference?



``If you look out your window tonight
Pull in the string with the note that's attached to my heart
Read how many times I saw you
How in my silence I adored you
And only in my dreams did that wall between us come apart.''

We can all agree that the above lines are some of the most depraved writing since Mother Teresa's memoirs.

Next, I reveal the awful subtext of Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree

More Band Names

``Basically Trailer Trash''

also ``Can We Sleep On The Tramp?'' This is a reference to the trampoline in our backyard, but also has some hidden meanings.

Finally, I think it is time for another look at The Vegas Jacket!

Hitler Wins Again

The U.S. House's failure to recognize the mass murder of more than 1 million Armenians by the Turks shortly after the turn of the last century is a new low in political gutlessness. Regardless of fears that the Turks would punish the U.S. by withholding aid in the war on terror, it is morally indefensible to refuse to acknowledge that genocide. Our elected representatives basically sided with Adolf Hitler, who in 1939, as he prepared to exterminate the Jews of Europe, used as one rationale: ``Who, after all, speaks today of the annihilation of the Armenians?''
Certainly not the U.S. government.

Spectacular Business Proposals

We've come up with a couple of sure-fire business ideas, and are looking for some financing. So if you have money, let us know.

Idea No. 1: Jockwives.com, a web site devoted to wives of jocks. The photos would most likely come from fans who take pictures in the stands, but also from publicity-minded wives. I think the web hits would be huge, and we would sell a slot of ads. For instance, bet the guys in the photos have hot wives.

Idea No. 2: Beautyqueens.com. this would be a repository of pix and data about major and minor beauty queens across the U.S. Everything from Miss America down to Cascade County cattle queen, Apple Festival queen, or Miss Asparagus.

COMING SOON: What exactly is a ``tool?' Also, the homicidal subcontext of Tony Orlando and Dawn

The Greek Cowboy

My dad in his bar in the 1970s