Another USTA season begins

The U.S. Tennis Association season began for my team on Saturday, and the results were impressive. Here is the rundown:
In No. 1 singles, Kevin ``Mustang Sally'' O'Neill gutted out a third set tiebreak win, showing the intestinal fortitude that later allowed him to digest dinner at Rancho Viejo. Kudos to Kevin, except for the second set.
In No. 2 singles , Chris Flanagan romped to a straight-set victory, proving that being a high school girls tennis coach does not necessarily mean the end of your athletic career. Chris' match was over so quickly that he could have consumed a six-pack watching the rest of us, EXCEPT THE CLUB STOPPED SERVING AT 7 P.M.!
In No. 1 doubles, Mark Connelly and Sam Joseph had some tense moments at the end, and not just because Mark was wearing an electric lime green Toucan Sam shirt. Congrats to them, and as for their opponents, Brad, we know you'll club them in the Tri-Cities.
In No. 2 doubles, the pretty boy team of myself and Bruce Johnson proved that, unlike Anna Kournikova, we've got sex appeal and game. Bruce also showed courage when he won his final service game despite pulling a muscle in his forearm (the monkus spankius muscle, which can take years to heal). Lets give it a rest before next weekend.
In No. 3 doubles, Ken Hunt took the court despite three broken ribs from skiing into a tree. He and Jeff Johnson almost pulled off a win before dropping the third set tie-break. For posting our only loss, they will both have to wear skirts to our next match on Sunday. Remember to accessorize, gentlemen.
Finally, I've received some complaints about our team rules during the season. It seems that some of the players are refusing to give up smoking, drinking, gambling and sex until the end of May. You know who you are, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.
However, like President Obama, I want to bring the audacity of hope to our team. So screw the rules and do what you want. It's working so far.