The Final Frontier

I wanted to dress up this Halloween so I decided to become Security Officer Malakas of the United Federation of Newspapers, Spokane Quadrant.

Here I am defending the office from vicious space aliens who seek to impose their editorial opinions in our pure copy.

The Real World-Athens

Meet the new cast of the Greek edition of The Real World.

From left, we have Demetrious, a bouzouki player in Athens who is married to a former Spice Girl;

Athanasia, who teaches Greek as a second language to men who want to live on topless beaches in Mykonos;

Nikos, who is owner of a company that ensures that ugly British tourist women will have at least one conjugal experience in Greece;

Anastasia, marketing director for the 2010 Turkish-Armenian Goodwill Games;

and Yiorgos, who is manager of the Greek boy band ``Extra Virgin Olive Oil.''

The Dark Side of Dawn

Am I the only one who noticed that the old pop hit ``Knock Three Times'' by Tony Orlando and Dawn is one of the most terrifying songs of all time? Some poor girl is being stalked by a psycho who lives in an upstairs apartment and is demanding that she demonstrate her affection with a broom stick. What if she doesn't comply? What are the consequences? Will he break in and kill her? Just read these chilling lines:



``Hey girl what ya doin' down there
Dancin' alone every night while I live right above you?
I can hear your music playin'
I can feel your body swayin'
One floor below me you don't even know me I love you.''



Yes, Dr. Lecter, I'm sure she loves you too.



``Oh, my darling, Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me
Twice on the pipe if the answer is no
Oh, my sweetness (knock, knock, knock) Means you'll meet me in the hallway
Mmm, twice on the pipe means you ain't gonna show.''



Is that pipe reference some kind of threat? Or a veiled sexual reference?



``If you look out your window tonight
Pull in the string with the note that's attached to my heart
Read how many times I saw you
How in my silence I adored you
And only in my dreams did that wall between us come apart.''

We can all agree that the above lines are some of the most depraved writing since Mother Teresa's memoirs.

Next, I reveal the awful subtext of Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree

More Band Names

``Basically Trailer Trash''

also ``Can We Sleep On The Tramp?'' This is a reference to the trampoline in our backyard, but also has some hidden meanings.

Finally, I think it is time for another look at The Vegas Jacket!

Hitler Wins Again

The U.S. House's failure to recognize the mass murder of more than 1 million Armenians by the Turks shortly after the turn of the last century is a new low in political gutlessness. Regardless of fears that the Turks would punish the U.S. by withholding aid in the war on terror, it is morally indefensible to refuse to acknowledge that genocide. Our elected representatives basically sided with Adolf Hitler, who in 1939, as he prepared to exterminate the Jews of Europe, used as one rationale: ``Who, after all, speaks today of the annihilation of the Armenians?''
Certainly not the U.S. government.

Spectacular Business Proposals

We've come up with a couple of sure-fire business ideas, and are looking for some financing. So if you have money, let us know.

Idea No. 1: Jockwives.com, a web site devoted to wives of jocks. The photos would most likely come from fans who take pictures in the stands, but also from publicity-minded wives. I think the web hits would be huge, and we would sell a slot of ads. For instance, bet the guys in the photos have hot wives.

Idea No. 2: Beautyqueens.com. this would be a repository of pix and data about major and minor beauty queens across the U.S. Everything from Miss America down to Cascade County cattle queen, Apple Festival queen, or Miss Asparagus.

COMING SOON: What exactly is a ``tool?' Also, the homicidal subcontext of Tony Orlando and Dawn

The Greek Cowboy

My dad in his bar in the 1970s

The Vegas Jacket

During my recent trip to Vegas with my brothers, we decided we wanted to dress cool. ``Clooneyesque,'' one brother called it. So we stopped at the Ralph Lauren Outlet Store in St. George, Utah, and picked out some threads. I put this jacket on, and a female customer in the store felt compelled to come over and tell me it looked great and I had to buy it. Sixty dollars poorer, but convinced of my Clooneyness, I wore this on the Strip in 107 degree weather. The reaction was awesome: Dozens of people commented on the jacket, doormen, bouncers, the dancers at Coyote Ugly, other tourists. Yea, I want to be a rock star, and this is the jacket for it. Back home, I wear it to work once in awhile. The other day I went into Talbot's to pick up something for my wife. The woman at the counter said: ``That is a cool jacket.''
This is the most powerful and important piece of outerwear I have ever owned. Some might dismiss it as the ``Fredo jacket.'' But to me, it's all about ``Viva Las Vegas Jacket.''

p.s. If you are going to wear this, it helps to be Greek.

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING DEPARTMENT: Let me get this straight: On Battlestar Galactica, they kill off the hot, blonde Amazon fighter pilot who was constantly in her underwear, constantly drunk and constantly agitated. And they leave us Edward James Olmos? Time to sell the stock in eyeglass makers.

Greek Fest

Just got done with my annual 3 days of volunteer work at the Greek food festival at my church. I run the takeout tent, where we serve hundreds of dinners per day to enthusiastic crowds. As a Greek, I find this annual jolt of restauranteering very good for my soul. However, I'm not sure everyone gets my jokes. When I tell people to make out their checks to Holy Trinity, I add that we divide the money among all three. After 9-11, I suggested that our advertising campaign include the slogan: The Greek Orthodox Church, fighting Muslim extremists for 14 centuries. It was nixed. When we raised the prices, I told customers the price of salvation had gone up. And my wife works alongside me and insists on telling everyone that they must talk only to me because she is a submissive Greek wife (she is not submissive or Greek). In the outdoor food area, we all drink wine out of paper cups and eat the fried dough goodies called loukoumades all night long, so we are bloated and blasted by the end of the night.

This has me thinking of opening a Greek restaurant in the mall. The employees would wear scarlet capes like the Spartans of old (except for those who work the deep fat fryer). We could serve meals on shields instead of trays (come back with your Baklava or upon it!) and, for a catchy display, we could have a Persian impaled on the wall with a javelin, his plastic guts threatening to drop on the grill. Our slogan: ``Spartans, tonight we dine on gyros!''

LATEST BAND NAME: a co-worker suggested an excellent band name yesterday: Enablers For Your Downward Spiral.

NEXT UP: The importance of the Fredo jacket when going to Vegas

welcome

After a long career in print media, I'm finally getting a chance to do all those things they always accuse reporters of doing: Writing down my opinions and offering them to the public.
Lets get started with some basic ground rules. I love sports. I love making fun of idiots. I love Las Vegas. I have lots of ideas I think are brilliant. For instance, my idea of a self-help book would be titled ``If You Aren't Consumed With Self-Loathing, You Aren't Paying Attention.'' This means you.

Also I like to make up band names. The default name of my band, should I ever take up music, is Swaggering Petty Dictators, and we would dress in military uniforms and sun glasses. Studly Nerds is also a possibility.

This is harder than I thought and it is late. Good night