Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Annual performance review

I just received my annual spousal performance appraisal for 2007. There was plenty of room for improvement.

Here are some highlights:

Q- Does the employee introduce useful ideas, concepts and techniques?

A- Only if channel surfing, passing gas and spending money are useful techniques.

Q- Does the employee set proper priorities, manage time effectively and meet goals?

A- The employee is highly effective in avoiding dishes, laundry and general housekeeping. His time is generally spent watching Gonzaga and Washington State basketball, or trying to decide if Number Six on Battlestar Galactica is hotter than Seven of Nine on Star Trek Voyager. He also spends many hours weighing which ``Desperate Housewife'' he would most like ``to do.''

Q-Does the employee choose the most appropriate procedures to follow in situations?

A-Faced with a kitchen full of food, and the need to feed the children, the employee will often head to Subway or Taco Bell in order to avoid making a mess that he will inevitably avoid cleaning up. His solution to normal fiscal limitations is to buy something, anything.

Q-Does the employee perform job duties without constant supervision?

A-The employee likes to initiate ambitious home improvement projects, and then abandon them when half completed. He does not fold or put away laundry, empty the dishwasher or wipe off counter tops. He spends much of his time in the bathroom, where supervision is not physically possible.

Q-Does the employee work well with others and express thoughts clearly?

A-The employee expresses himself very clearly, although it is unclear if any actual ``thoughts'' are involved. He believes that he has a monopoly on using public roadways, refers to other motorists as ``The Roman Emperor Dickheadicus Rex,'' and draws philosophic inspiration from reruns of ``Beavis and Butt-head.''

Q-Does the employee motivate co-workers and subordinates and foster positive morale?

A-At youth sports events, the employee is often heard denigrating the referees as felons. He's been observed hiding in his vehicle to smoke cigars during games. He likes to rent violent zombie videos for family night viewing, and taught his sons the lyrics to ``Baby Got Back'' when they were in grade school.

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